Literary Vampire

I first started writing in an 8ft cell, turning the darkness around me into fiction. I sucked inspiration from my other peoples misfortunes and misdeeds, like a literary vampire. It was a mentor that made me push my writing to the next level, to open my eyes and attempt poetry and short stories. I even ended up visiting the Tate a few times as a free man, something I never thought I'd do as a child.

As I currently sit here at McDonald's opposite the Rock of Gibraltar, stealing their wifi without so much as looking at one of their filthy excuses for food, I'm doing as much research about book publication and self promotion as my laptop battery will let me. At the same time, I'm reflecting on the events that lead me to this point, feeling somewhat nostalgic. When life was sufficiently more terrible, it was also simpler. All I had to do was grab a pen and a piece of paper, card, tissue, whatever, and get writing. Now, I'm thinking about Twitter followers and marketing. Not to mention the hours upon hours or editing I've crawled through. As I reach the end of this novel I'm hitting a wall of doubt.

I find it a scary thought, unleashing a book upon the world. Onto the last chapter and I'm reluctant to finish. What exactly am I trying to say? Why did I start in the first place? Will anybody care either way?

Perhaps not, but in the end it will not matter. It was for me, and it will always be for me. If others like it then great. If not, I still wrote a novel.

Anyway, I feel somewhat ill so I think I'll return to the flat and make some dinner.

Thanks for listening... or reading.

Writing For The Sake Of It

A few days ago I learnt the importance of writing for the sake of it. I wrote about 2,000 words of a story, that ended up going on a tangent that I did not initially wish to pursue. Instead to creating a concise short story with a message I wanted to share, I ended up with a half arsed back story, written all over the place in different voices. It was crap. I mean, really crap.

Looking over it again now, it's still crap, but the one thing I can take form it is that I created a character. I created a back story that, although in the final short story will never really be revealed, it gives me a basis for the final product. In my head, it gives it authenticity, because I have spent more time creating the universe in which this story takes place, and I think that will show in the writing itself. I'll refer back to this blog when I post it, and you'll see what I mean.

In other news, I hit 65,000 words of my novel today. That's a lot of words, considering when I started this project it was only going to be around 36,000 words long.

But anyway, as promised I have uploaded a story. I cheated a little because I happened across an old story on my laptop, but it's a story nonetheless: storiesofabeautifullydisturbedmind.blogspot.com

I also uploaded a new poem that I wrote today. Enjoy it at: poemsofabeatifullydisturbedmind.blogspot.com

Short Break

I took a short break from my novel over the last couple of days. A relatively short one, considering previous 'short breaks' ranged from a month to a year. Due to a combination of drinking too much and researching too little, I felt I couldn't continue. So I decided to write a short story. I find short stories harder. Whereas a novel requires a higher amount of discipline, a short story requires more creativity. It's easy to tell a story in 100,000 words if you write every day, but not so easy to tell a whole story in under 5,000. Don't get me started on poetry. I got near the end of the short (only a couple of thousand words) reread it and decided I had written a load of shit. For some reason it didn't have the usual punch. This sent me on a self-doubting spiral, I started wondering which genre my novel would fit into when it's finished, and who the target audience would be. I started to wonder if this project I'd poured my spirit into would be any good.

Anyway, I started reading around other author's blogs, mainly to address these concerns and see if others had experienced the same difficulties that I had. In hindsight it seems obvious that self-doubt is part of the process, but a few select blogs helped me realise this. So true to my word of taking writing more seriously, I have jump back on the literary horse today and started writing my novel again. Pretty well going after only a two day self-pity break. I must have really grown as a person this last year.

I've written 2,100 words today. Can't complain about that.

Here are two blogs which helped me through. I recommend these to any aspiring authors/writers: 

http://sunnymoraine.com/2015/02/16/writing-practice-resurrection/

http://www.lindapoitevin.com/2014/02/17/why-fiction-writers-need-to-blog/

Moving With The Times

A good friend of mine recently reminding me that it's not the 16th Century anymore, and there is a lot of truth in that. Well done Greg.

Although, if we lived in a universe that operated not on base 10 mathematics but somewhere between base 11 and base 12 (11.2 to be more precise), we would be in the 16th Century. We don't live in that universe, we live in this one.

So with that in mind, I've created a Twitter account: @JamboStewart42

So like follow me and stuffs. I'll be well happy if you do.

Why Are People Drawn To Psychopathy?

I watched Seven Psychopaths recently, and picked up on a quote by Christopher Walken:

"You're the one who found psychopaths so interesting. They get pretty tiresome after a while don't you think?"

I've been thinking about it for a couple of days now, because I've known plenty of people who are fascinated with psychopathy. I've also known a few people who are or claim to be psycho/sociopaths, and I have met the odd genuine sociopath. Literature is filled with Dexter type detached personalities and the like. The protagonist in the novel I'm working on would probably be fall into a definition of psycho/sociopath, so I'm guilty of being drawn to it too. So why are psychopaths so damn interesting?

Let's define it first. Google, what's a psychopath?

noun

1. a person suffering from chronic mental disorder with abnormal or violent social behaviour

And a sociopath?:

noun

1. a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behaviour.

Okay thanks Google. 

So looking at these two definitions, personally I think the second one is far too vague. It catches far too many people in it's net. So after a bit of further digging (well a quick look at Wikipedia anyway) we see that Robert Hare, the founder of the 'psychopath checklist', insists that there are a number of traits displayed by psychopaths. When scored out of 40, an official 'psycho' scores 30 or above, or 25 or above if he/she is in the UK, oddly enough. I'm not entirely sure why it requires less effort to be a British psycho than an American psycho, but I digress.

So if we flick through the items on the checklist, there's a few behavioural factors, but parts that stand out the most is the lack of emotion, or rather the detachment of strong emotion. Lack of remorse, glibness, manipulation. I think these kind of things identify with many people.

I think people's fascination with psychopathy, is not merely an attraction to 'the dark side' as it were, because by that token we would have just as many people fascinated by paedophiles and rapists. There isn't that many people fascinated by paedophiles and rapists, not that I've experienced anyway. So what is it? Why psycho/sociopaths? 

I think the answer lies in the emotional side of what makes a psycho/socio tick. The lack of remorse, empathy, and all round emotion, and I truly believe that those people who think they may be psychotic or convince themselves they lack emotion, have a reason for it. Bear in mind that Robert Hare said himself that capitalism rewards the traits necessary to be a psychopath. With that in mind, I think that those who are fascinated with the idea of a lack of emotion, do so because they care about the world. 

Let's face it, those you truly care about the world, aren't in for a nice ride. There is a ton of shit, and I'm not going to go on a rant about everything that is wrong with the world, because that's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm trying to say is that I think the lack of vision, or the inability to deal with or change ones perceived threats in the world, leads to a fascination with psychopathy. I think that this fascination can in fact lead people on dark paths, not because they genuinely have no emotion, but quite the reverse. People who get emotional about the state of the world, can find solace in the idea of not caring at all. Some end up not caring, some just get excited about characters who don't. Some find the idea of a person who can put 'bad people' in their place quite appealing, cue Dexter.

If I look at it objectively, I think I've met one person who genuinely lacked all emotion, and the truth is, he wasn't a bad person. Quite boring in fact. Because when you meet a person who genuinely doesn't care either way, what is the purpose of them acting out? Surely the people we view to be 'detached' emotionally, or sociopaths are really just struggling to deal with the fact that they do have emotion. 

Statistically speaking, true sociopaths tend to fall in the upper strata of the ruling class anyway, and even then, they're still a victim of their circumstance, despite how little sympathy they draw from the rest of us.

Sharing is Caring

I've become hooked on falling asleep as I listen to horror stories, so I am currently sitting in a pub waiting for a Lovecraftian fiction podcast to download. In the mean time, I've been fiddling around with my blogs and I've redesigned how they are publish.

So what's changed? Well I've separated my stories, poems and general soliloquies, that much is obvious. When I started this blog I had no idea where I was going with it. I just started writing my thoughts and feelings and publishing them like an online journal, and even then I rarely stuck to it. I would come online, write a post, leave it a few months and come back to it later. Most of it was pointless dribble anyway, so all of that has been cleaned up.

Now it has dawned on me that I will finish my novel within the next month at the rate I'm going. The next step will be publication, which is difficult at best for a virgin author, impossible at worst. So what could help in my struggle to gain credibility and therefore a readership? An archive of my works of course, and a following.

So this redesign is an attempt to stay on top of my writing and gain some followers. Dare I say it I might even get a Twitter at some point, but for now I'll see how many stories and poems I can whip out before my novel is published.

I've never really addressed my readership personally, so here's a start. If you are someone who reads my ramblings, please remember: sharing is caring. Let's try and get this blog as visible as humanly possible, and I'll vow to publish a new story or poem as often as I can.

(PS. In case it isn't obvious enough. To the right you can find links to the stories and poems that I've published on here.)

(PPS. If you also like Lovecraftian fiction, click here for some soothing pod casts: http://lovecraftzine.com/magazine/podcast/)

New look

I've redone my blogs, so instead of having all poems/stories and other such rants on the one page, they are now separate.

Enjoy.


*note - I am well aware of the spelling mistakes on the poems URL. Grr.